How will I tell my boys about you...
what words will I use to describe you....
what words will I not use - those are just as important...
what memories will I choose to share ....
what memories will I not share because I don't remember them...
yet, maybe you would have ...
if only you were here to jog my memory....
and if only you were here so they could know you....
how will I capture you? Where will I start?
Will it be specific details or will it be the essence of you?
Will it be how you would like to be remembered?
or will it be the you I share as I remember?
And will that do you justice?
Or will I simply say,
"She was wonderful, boys,
and she would have loved you more than you'll ever know.
You will know her too, one day, in our heavenly home."
....A couple, maybe a few, times I've thought to shut down this blog. It's over. She's over. Her story's been told, and she's gone. And she is all this was ever about. But that's not the truth. This blog was more. It was more than about her. It has been and will be about HIM. God, please let her life be more than just a great sister that I had a hard time getting along with sometimes. Let her life be more than, "She was so smart," and, "Look at her degrees and academic accolades". Let her be a signpost pointing to You.
She's there. She's with You. Oh, for a glimpse, for a taste.... Do you give us glimpses and tastes on this side? I believe so.... The contentment of a nursing baby - oh, but that's the contentment of heaven isn't it? The hope of a groom and his bride - oh, but that's the hope of heaven. The joy when Daddy comes home from work - but isn't that the joy of Christ coming for me? The love of a dog for its kind master.... Is it any wonder that dog is God spelled backwards? Are you using these simple, loyal, loving creatures to tell us something about almighty, infinite, unconditionally loving YOU?
I love You, Lord, and I pray You will help me love You better with each passing day. And I pray my boys will never, ever, know a day where they don't love You and long to know, enjoy, and serve You. Oh, Lord, that they know You. Oh, that they are known by You. Let them be content with nothing but You. Fill their hearts with a longing for You and a satisfaction in You. And let them bravely, courageously, tell the world there is nothing better than You.
I miss you, Jen. Gee, I can almost hear you say back, "I miss you, too, Lauren." Oh, Jen. How my heart aches for you. How I wish I could pick up the phone and call you. How I envy sisters that get to do that. I want to scream and kick and punch the air and say to everybody that ever looks my way... WHY?????!!!!!!! Why MY sister????!!!!! Why her????!!!! Don't you even know????? Why do you take all this for granted? Why do you consider each day with the ones you love anything less than a gift? Treasure it! Can we get a do-over? Can we get a rewind button? Can we start back at the beginning and do it all (except for the sick part) again? ....Nope. That's not the way it works. All I get is this moment. I can't even get a fast forward button or a peek into the future. I get this day. I get this breath. I get this choice. I may never get another one in this earthly life.
Oh, Lord...let my days count. Not for me but for you. I sit here tonight thinking of You, thinking of all those that I love that are there with You, and thinking of when I get to meet you face-to-face... and Oh Lord, my God, I'm scared. How I want to prove myself faithful. How I want to prove myself worthy. How I want to make you proud. And I hang my head in shame and hopelessness. I will never be faithful or worthy or esteemed enough. And, with a heavy sigh, I at last draw a breath of all I ever needed or will need. JESUS. Thank you, God, for Jesus. He is enough. Lord, HOW WILL I TELL THEM OF YOU? GIVE ME THE WORDS.
