Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Maybe, just maybe

Pain still lurks in the hallways of my heart.

Pain for you. Pain for me. Pain for Mom. Pain for Billie. The old adage says time heals. Time heals... the heartache? Time heals...  the loneliness? Time heals... the desperation? Time heals... the crazy? Time heals the....pain?

So if something gets healed, it's like something goes away, right? Well maybe, just maybe, this pain I feel is not supposed to go away. Maybe, just maybe, this pain was meant to stay around. I kinda hate this pain because it hurts so bad. But I kinda love this pain because it keeps me connected to you.

And that's what I want so desperately. To still be connected to you. I don't know how not to be but, at the same time, every day that passes is another day separating me from earthly you. It's another day that a memory I once had of you slips away.

And fear hits.... If time keeps passing by and memories keep slipping away, what if I run out? What if I stop remembering you?

I woke up in a panic the other night trying to remember you.... The way you laughed, the way you motioned your hands when you talked and you were trying to explain something.... and even small things like the way you readjusted in a chemo lounge chair while we watched Breakfast at Tiffany's on the little tv monitor in your "stall". What in the world were a 31-year old and a 29-year old doing in a chemo lounge? Am I the only one who thinks those ages sound too young? .... But then again, I guess if I'd typed 72 and 70 that'd sure sound young to an 86-year old.... But then again, I didn't see anybody else our age in the chemo lounge... ever. (Not that folks that age don't deal with cancer and chemo and all the rest... You just didn't encounter many in your cancer world.)

It dawned on me a couple months ago that I will soon outlive you... I will, in two weeks Lord willing, outlive my big sister. My goodness, how did I get here - to 32 years and some months - and you didn't? That's another post and another glass of wine ....

So as I ponder what to do with my life that gets lived longer than you got to live yours (if I make it that far - I'm still about 14 days shy)..... I'll sit here with my pain, with the ache in my soul and the thick lump in my throat, and I'll long for heaven and my precious Jesus. What else is there?

And maybe, just maybe, the pain is all part of His perfect plan to make much of His perfect self. The One who will one day take all the pain away.