Yesterday afternoon, after a walk around the floor with our youngest sister Lindsey, Jen was weak and became nauseous. She began to vomit and run fever later in the evening. This morning the nausea had subsided a bit and the fever was trending down. Mom spoke with one of the doctors and asked him to clue her in on the cytogenetic marker info.There are five markers, all of which are abnormal. Three have the same abnormalities and the other two each have their own specific abnormalities. This means that a bone marrow transplant will be highly likely during the first remission, though the doctors are hesitant to confirm this as fact.
I'm in Kosciusko for the weekend and when Mom called me with the update, I felt so much further away than just five hours. Helpless and hurting for my sister, I realized that even if I was there, there's nothing I can do. There's nothing any of us can do. And it dawned on me that God has us just where He wants us- In a state of total dependence on Him.
You see, more often than not, my life is totally self-maintained. I have to go to work, I set my alarm clock. Having trouble waking up, I make a pot of coffee. Need food on the table and gas in the car, I use my resources to make money. Want to stay in shape, I head out for a walk. Tough day, I call a friend. Scared to confront an out-of-control ego, I busy myself with not-so-important activities. I surf the Internet, catch up on some tv, repaint a piece of furniture, read a magazine... A crisis hits, and because I am in self-dependent mode, I immediately think, "What can I do?"
I would say I live in a pretty connected relationship with the Lord but what actually plays out in my life goes a little more like this...Thank you, Father, for all the blessings You have showered down on me. Thanks for the nice house, wonderful husband, loving family, and good job. I appreciate the jump-start but I think I've got it from here. Tell You what, if I run across anything I can't handle, I'll bring it to You.
Satan and our sinful natures have done a beautiful job of creating easy lives for ourselves. It also doesn't help that, in today's world, I can have just about anything I want at any given time. I've been spoiled by immediate gratification that is so vigorously promoted in our culture companies make billions of dollars every year because I think I've got to have the latest iPhone, a trendier bag, and more updated furniture.
That deadly combination of sin, Satan, and society has inched us further and further away from lives leaning on the Lord. Sure, it makes perfect sense to run to Him with our fears, doubts, and helplessness. But running back to Him during these hard times, I think, is a direct indicator that I must have been walking away from Him during the easy times. Had I been right there with Him in my day-in, day-out, trusting and depending on Him for everything, there would've been no need to run back. For all that He has given me the ability to do and to manage, I truly believe that a life of utter dependence upon Him is the better life. Correction: BEST life.
So now, as another day begins its close in Room 11010, God is doing what only He can do- taking care of Jen. And all I can do here in my living room, is be still and know that He is God, I am not. And, at the end of the day, what more comforting words than that can we rest on?
Please pray that Jen's nausea will go away and that the Lord will give her a renewed sense of strength. Pray for wisdom for the doctors as they attempt to make heads or tails out of Jennifer's cytogenetic markers. Once again, because of the rarity of her disease, there is little data on what they are dealing with. The markers have been sent to another institution for further evaluation. Also, please pray for safety in travel for family members going to and from Nashville.
The Vandy Verse:
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10